I do...!

Its almost about to be 4 yrs, and 9 yrs that we have been with each other. I am not one of the romantic kinds and the stricter of the 2 of us, you know. But I was wondering, do I...? And I realized
I do...
Miss you, when you go outside without me,
Miss you, when I go outside without you,
Miss you even when I am with my parents,
Like your touch next to me when I am sleeping,
Like your breath on my neck,
Like you taking my bolster,
Miss your BB ringing when you are not around,
Like you talking to Kublai early in the morning and telling him that you love him more than I do,
Miss the sound of the TV airing Ong Bak, or Shanghai Noon, or the others when you are not here,
Miss/Like your futile arguments,
Miss/Like the incorrectly folded blankets by you,
Miss/Like the misplaced pillows lovingly sorted by you,
Miss/Like you telling me that you have sorted the room with a glow on your face,
Miss/Like your tea,
Miss you cooking and the aroma coming all the way upstairs,
Like your smiling face when I agree to visit the mall on a weekend,
Like your mole,
Like your big nose,
Like your half rotten teeth,
Like the way you run your fingers through my hair to make me sleep,
Like the food you get for me when I get my migraine,
Like the songs you have sung for me in all these years, even your tuneless ghazal,
Like all the red clothes that you have given me,
Like the way you gave me the ring,
Like the way you fought for me,
Like the way you were there for me,
Like the way you are......!

Power Game

Last evening, I read these 2 articles which were pretty intense and made me thinking. They were on rape.

Multiple times I have had nightmares of getting raped. I dont know if as a woman you have been through the same nightmare or not, but it is not a near comfortable dream I must say. So I was thinking, if a nightmare could create so much mental trauma, what do all those women go through who have experienced it.

So, why do men even rape?

You have so many options available, but still why would a man rape? I was thinking, maybe its still a power game here. Its that person's way of proving that he is more powerful, that he has the capacity to not only insult another person physically, but mentally too. It is the power he has to traumatise another person. Mind it, its easier to hurt someone physically, specially a woman, any 'man' could do that. But the power a man has to hurt a woman mentally, that I guess is the kick.

I know someone whose sister is a very well known post-rape therapist. She had practiced and counseled rape victims and the rapists. And from her, I got to know that many rapists do not feel guilty after their act, they feel they did the right/obvious thing. Why?

Also, many people tell that the best way to avoid a rape is by dressing appropriately. What is appropriate? I was thinking, does that mean women who wear sarees and salwaar suits in our country never get raped?

So there was this lady, who worked for this cause, and as a part of that project collected clothes from women who were molested. Guess what all she collected: mostly sarees, salwaar suits, sleeveless and with sleeve blouses, jeans, shirts, long skirts, short skirts etc etc.

So, does a man only get aroused and feel like raping a woman forcefully when he sees her inappropriately dressed? Would the man be equally satisfied, if the woman getting raped did not oppose?
I dont know, but maybe that would not satisfy this man? After all what fun is it to rape someone who is not even opposing and with whom you dont even need to use force/power.

And before you ask us to dress appropriately, ponder upon this:

There was this question asked to a father: If your daughter was skimpily dressed and wanted to go out with a dear guy friend of hers for a drink, would you let her go out? To this the father replied: If you had a son who wanted to go out with a friend of his who was a girl and was skimpily dressed, would you be sure that he would not do anything indecent and let him go out? If your answer is yes, my answer is also yes.

Tug Of War

You know last night I was wondering: If you are one of those who battle just the MIL at home, then I would say, I am jealous of you: Atleast you have a human being (not that I haven't battled that part, but I found an 'Ignore' Button for this, and it worked). I am here battling a phone, aka: The Blackberry!

I come from an age when our parents used to come back home from work and not work anymore. They would cook, tell us stories, take us out on certain days (which was never every weekend), watch a movie with us on special occasions and while in the hall (not a multiplex) they would buy us a packet of salted potato chips with no name on it or maybe a packet of popcorn again without any name. We would maybe once in a blue moon go visit a park in the evening with the entire family and winters would be dotted with picnics.

In am rethinking all of this even as I am writing this, and in none of the memories can I think of a phone creating havoc. No phone ringing, no emails trickling in, no Skype meeting while on a holiday, You know what I mean: Just time for you. Were they bad with their work? I don't think, so. They raised us well, with education, and time, maybe we did not visit any MALL every weekend, or movies every weekend, or diners or shopping, but the memory is still so vivid in our minds.

I have a husband who has a fancy designation and a not so fancy/desirable to me: phone; and emails and phone-calls come in regularly 7 days a week. I am almost married for 4 yrs, and been with the same guy for 9yrs. After a lot of jostling we got married and I was always prepared for the worst from the human beings around me, but nobody prepared me for a phone. My honeymoon was dotted with laptop sessions, and phone calls everyday. Not just that: all pujos, vacations, sick leaves, paid leaves, have been shared between the couple and the phone. I remember almost 7yrs ago when blackberry was new I was trained on it, I went: Wow! Little did I know that this would be the reason for many a household dispute a few yrs down the line.

When I say this, I must credit my husband for trying to let go of this bad habit at times, but you know what: I have realized that it is difficult to not read the email when the phone lets you know that this is an email for you from maybe your CEO or some fancy client from some corner of the world. I guess its easier these days to 'Ignore' all the people around you but not your phone. But even after this realization I am not ready to let go of even 1hr from my annual holiday time . I am told that I don't understand and that I am too demanding. Well maybe! But is it too much to ask for: Cant an MNC leave 1 employee for 5 days in 1 year? Is my husband or your husband or wife so important/indispensable for their companies? If so, then why do they not think twice when giving that pink slip during the recession or maybe after 2 month's bad performance. How come the same person immediately becomes so dispensable?

I find it weird, but you know what: I am battling a phone, not a MIL, not a FIL, not any other in laws or relatives. For all of them we have some or the other cure (you are the best judge to decide on it), but let me know if you can think of fixing this one.

BrainWork

So, this is not one of those days when you feel great and awesome and hence sit and write down some fond memories...This is more like...WTF am I doing?

So very simple, my brain is in a fucked up state: there are/could be various reason for the same:-

1. Had planned a trip this Republic Day weekend, got cancelled...
2. Last 4 days have been agonizing to say the least, Migraine taking a toll on my dark circles, weight, hair, mind, temper etc etc
3. The husband has gone to work letting me know that he would take 1hr to finish his investment work, but you know, when it comes from the 'horses mouth' that it would take 1hr, it generally takes 3hrs. That's def not happy news, I mean I don't want to be there confined at home doing nothing and just relaxing...

I mean I am a hyperactive person and hate to be at home doing the o-so-urban 'Nothing'...Once in a while its okay, not now! I mean for me its plain and simple BOREDOM! I want to go out, explore, visit the unknown places even if its around the city, that's my idea of doing 'nothing'....

So anyway, last night we (husband and I) were discussing that what makes me so hyperactive and never at peace. I mean seriously my mind is ALWAYS at work, weaving some net. I haven't asked it to be so hard at work, bit seems it just doesn't listen to me. With acute migraine and 6 pills down in 4 days, I was 'supposed' to sleep and sleep, roll over after 4-5hrs and again sleep. BUT, I couldnt. While trying hard to sleep and think about nothing, I was continuously thinking. I mean, I really dont know how to 'Not Think'.

Well, I think of almost everything: Office (and no, I am not the CEO of my company), Work, tickets, CSAT, roles, work, how I could work on that work, what could be the next move, I have applied for something, would I get it, if I get it what could I do next, blah blah! I mean I really dont have to think all this much, but.....

I think, of how each day is passing by and I am not traveling. I think of all the places that I could go to, but don't have enough money right now, I think of saving money and if at all I should be saving, I think of the future, which is not very pretty or is it!

I think of how much I am hated in my personal life and how much I hate some people, or wait...Do I even hate them enough... Not that the hatred of all Those people affects me, but the fact that I think about it, def means that it bothers me...somewhere...Then things like, Why me? What Have I done? Why Should I change? Who cares... To Hell With You All....Blah! Blah!

My husband tells me that I should develop one strong hobby...but this is I guess what I have developed....I think over the years, when I used to stay all alone in my room every evening, not knowing what next...This is exactly what I used to do....

So really I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but this is important stuff to me and this is what my brain thinks of..some Futile, some.....I dont even know what...

All I know is that sometimes I want to Unlearn 'Thinking' and learn 'Not Thinking'....At present My Brain is slogging 'At Work'....I need to get out of this!

The By Gone Days

When I was in Pune, I used to curse it like crazy. Not that I like that place now but the other day I was jus wondering if there is anything that i miss bout Pune, nd to my surprise the list was quite long. So the things I miss the most bout Pune would be:
the super awesum weather
the 100 places to visit on weekends....(hw much we had travelled then)
SunCity
German Bakery
The Kolkata Phuchka wala opp Adlabs
MG Road
Pawsh
The Society's swimming Pool
Stunner, Cocoa, Buddy, Jardan, Bruno, Pepper, Mohawk, Neo, Zara, Don, DJ, Swami, Jia, Logan, Biscuit, nd the list goes on
Our Weekend parties
Chaat Parties
The Evening Breeze
The NON AC nyts een in June
The green patch vivible frm the balcony
the farming in tht green patch
sitting on the window sill for hrs.
The regular drizzle
our drives in the rain
Mulsi, greenery, nd The rain....

Guess I have many more......This is my tribute to you Pune. Don't feel sad coz i cribbed so much bout you when i was there with u. I MISS U PUNE...

Nishi Japon

When one night merged into another night, when the date changed, when pm became am. Fights could be pleasurable at times. Don't take my word, it might NA to you. We fought, reason: i guess the same reason which makes half of the urban couple population fight: not spending enough time. And like any other fight I lost my sleep. As I could not sleep I thought it might be good that I inhale the all so rare fresh Kolkata air for a change. I sat on my fav bean bag in my minuscule balcony and was all so void. Suddenly from neither too far nor too close I heard 'anonymous' play the flute. It was a full moon night, breezy and pleasant and as I sat on my 9th floor balcony soaking in the music and the moon- I felt fulfillment. I know this sounds weird-fight and then a sense fulfillment, but then so it was.
What a night it was: Husband by my side (he too joined me after a while), flute, and a breezy moon lit sky....what else could one want....Since we did not want this to end we decided we did not want to sleep. So did we...went to bed @ 4.30am. What did you say? Eccentric....But that is how we like it....

P.S. This marked the end of the fight too.