Hope to see you in another life, Kali!

People who know me, also know that I am an ardent dog fan. All dogs, pedigreed, mongrels, small ones, big ones, huge ones, greedy ones, hyper active ones, introverts all.....

This post is dedicated to my darling Kali. Just got to know yesterday that she has passed away. I hope to see you one day Kali, maybe as a dog friend of yours in some other life.

I love you and will miss you this time around when I go home. You could have spent this pujo with me. But I hope you are doing good up there. Miss me, please coz' I do miss you.

Love you always!

Aagomoni

Every morning I take DND flyway to my office. This morning DND had a special surprise for me Kaash phool- a flower which for a Bengali has huge significance. 

Kaash Phool gives us an indication that our biggest festival is almost round the corner. Its time to go back home, meet family & friends. Its time for adda, good food, new clothes, and time with all our near ones for 5 whole days. It means pandal hopping, eating junk, catching up on laughter. 

Its time for Pujo Barshiki, Pujo'r gaan, Pujo'r aalo, Pujo'r makeup, Pujo'r preparation.

Maa Aasche!

Aug 15th, 2012

Kind of was like the perfect day. Had made NO plans-guess this works the best. We dont have any expectations from the day then. Slept till late (as in 9.30am), had a sausage breakfast (yummm). Then lazed on the sofa. Read the newspaper. Watched TV. Cooked good food.

Then the noon was spent kite flying. After lunch, inside an AC room with comforters in place, planned a 3 day holiday-just impromptu. Even again kite flying, dinner of mac and chicken and a movie-really horrible one, but WTH...a movie is a movie (suggestion-run away from the movie: "The Last Few Hrs of The Earth"...or mmm...something like that).

What a perfect day! Seems even the bad movie was perfectly bad!

Wish List

- Have my family with me, so that once I'm back from office I get to see them
-Have husband in the same city as I am in-always
-Never lose my parents, husband and sister
-Never Lose Kublai
-Have a Few More Kublais
-Be able to provide food regularly to atleast a few orphaned dogs for the rest of my life
-Donate my eyes
-Take family for a vacation to the mountains
-Forget certain incidents
-Travel:
  -Ladakh
 -Kashmir
 -Auli
 -Wayanad
 -Andamans
 -Kaziranga
 -Cherrapunjee
 -Paris
 -Venice
 -NYC
 -Athens
 -See Aurora Borealis
 -Scotland
-Sing like a diva
-Learn rabindranritya
-Have a green and colorful home
-Hear a waterfall in my living room
-Have a beautifully smelling bedroom-always
-Own 1 closet full of shoes
-Own a walk in closet full of clothes
-Eat and never put on weight
-Never get migraine ever
-Walk, walk, walk and not feel the pain.........

Unfair To Be Not So Fair?

Today while I was coming back, I heard this from someone: "Ore Gaayer Rongta Ektu Moila". This in English means that person X is not fair complexioned. I have heard this umpteen times while growing up. And then it struck me, the literal English translation of the word 'Moila' in English is 'Dirty'.  And mind you, this is a very polite way of putting things across.


So do we preach that the not so fair complexioned ones are "Dirty"????? I dont know, you decide...

I do...!

Its almost about to be 4 yrs, and 9 yrs that we have been with each other. I am not one of the romantic kinds and the stricter of the 2 of us, you know. But I was wondering, do I...? And I realized
I do...
Miss you, when you go outside without me,
Miss you, when I go outside without you,
Miss you even when I am with my parents,
Like your touch next to me when I am sleeping,
Like your breath on my neck,
Like you taking my bolster,
Miss your BB ringing when you are not around,
Like you talking to Kublai early in the morning and telling him that you love him more than I do,
Miss the sound of the TV airing Ong Bak, or Shanghai Noon, or the others when you are not here,
Miss/Like your futile arguments,
Miss/Like the incorrectly folded blankets by you,
Miss/Like the misplaced pillows lovingly sorted by you,
Miss/Like you telling me that you have sorted the room with a glow on your face,
Miss/Like your tea,
Miss you cooking and the aroma coming all the way upstairs,
Like your smiling face when I agree to visit the mall on a weekend,
Like your mole,
Like your big nose,
Like your half rotten teeth,
Like the way you run your fingers through my hair to make me sleep,
Like the food you get for me when I get my migraine,
Like the songs you have sung for me in all these years, even your tuneless ghazal,
Like all the red clothes that you have given me,
Like the way you gave me the ring,
Like the way you fought for me,
Like the way you were there for me,
Like the way you are......!

Power Game

Last evening, I read these 2 articles which were pretty intense and made me thinking. They were on rape.

Multiple times I have had nightmares of getting raped. I dont know if as a woman you have been through the same nightmare or not, but it is not a near comfortable dream I must say. So I was thinking, if a nightmare could create so much mental trauma, what do all those women go through who have experienced it.

So, why do men even rape?

You have so many options available, but still why would a man rape? I was thinking, maybe its still a power game here. Its that person's way of proving that he is more powerful, that he has the capacity to not only insult another person physically, but mentally too. It is the power he has to traumatise another person. Mind it, its easier to hurt someone physically, specially a woman, any 'man' could do that. But the power a man has to hurt a woman mentally, that I guess is the kick.

I know someone whose sister is a very well known post-rape therapist. She had practiced and counseled rape victims and the rapists. And from her, I got to know that many rapists do not feel guilty after their act, they feel they did the right/obvious thing. Why?

Also, many people tell that the best way to avoid a rape is by dressing appropriately. What is appropriate? I was thinking, does that mean women who wear sarees and salwaar suits in our country never get raped?

So there was this lady, who worked for this cause, and as a part of that project collected clothes from women who were molested. Guess what all she collected: mostly sarees, salwaar suits, sleeveless and with sleeve blouses, jeans, shirts, long skirts, short skirts etc etc.

So, does a man only get aroused and feel like raping a woman forcefully when he sees her inappropriately dressed? Would the man be equally satisfied, if the woman getting raped did not oppose?
I dont know, but maybe that would not satisfy this man? After all what fun is it to rape someone who is not even opposing and with whom you dont even need to use force/power.

And before you ask us to dress appropriately, ponder upon this:

There was this question asked to a father: If your daughter was skimpily dressed and wanted to go out with a dear guy friend of hers for a drink, would you let her go out? To this the father replied: If you had a son who wanted to go out with a friend of his who was a girl and was skimpily dressed, would you be sure that he would not do anything indecent and let him go out? If your answer is yes, my answer is also yes.

Tug Of War

You know last night I was wondering: If you are one of those who battle just the MIL at home, then I would say, I am jealous of you: Atleast you have a human being (not that I haven't battled that part, but I found an 'Ignore' Button for this, and it worked). I am here battling a phone, aka: The Blackberry!

I come from an age when our parents used to come back home from work and not work anymore. They would cook, tell us stories, take us out on certain days (which was never every weekend), watch a movie with us on special occasions and while in the hall (not a multiplex) they would buy us a packet of salted potato chips with no name on it or maybe a packet of popcorn again without any name. We would maybe once in a blue moon go visit a park in the evening with the entire family and winters would be dotted with picnics.

In am rethinking all of this even as I am writing this, and in none of the memories can I think of a phone creating havoc. No phone ringing, no emails trickling in, no Skype meeting while on a holiday, You know what I mean: Just time for you. Were they bad with their work? I don't think, so. They raised us well, with education, and time, maybe we did not visit any MALL every weekend, or movies every weekend, or diners or shopping, but the memory is still so vivid in our minds.

I have a husband who has a fancy designation and a not so fancy/desirable to me: phone; and emails and phone-calls come in regularly 7 days a week. I am almost married for 4 yrs, and been with the same guy for 9yrs. After a lot of jostling we got married and I was always prepared for the worst from the human beings around me, but nobody prepared me for a phone. My honeymoon was dotted with laptop sessions, and phone calls everyday. Not just that: all pujos, vacations, sick leaves, paid leaves, have been shared between the couple and the phone. I remember almost 7yrs ago when blackberry was new I was trained on it, I went: Wow! Little did I know that this would be the reason for many a household dispute a few yrs down the line.

When I say this, I must credit my husband for trying to let go of this bad habit at times, but you know what: I have realized that it is difficult to not read the email when the phone lets you know that this is an email for you from maybe your CEO or some fancy client from some corner of the world. I guess its easier these days to 'Ignore' all the people around you but not your phone. But even after this realization I am not ready to let go of even 1hr from my annual holiday time . I am told that I don't understand and that I am too demanding. Well maybe! But is it too much to ask for: Cant an MNC leave 1 employee for 5 days in 1 year? Is my husband or your husband or wife so important/indispensable for their companies? If so, then why do they not think twice when giving that pink slip during the recession or maybe after 2 month's bad performance. How come the same person immediately becomes so dispensable?

I find it weird, but you know what: I am battling a phone, not a MIL, not a FIL, not any other in laws or relatives. For all of them we have some or the other cure (you are the best judge to decide on it), but let me know if you can think of fixing this one.

BrainWork

So, this is not one of those days when you feel great and awesome and hence sit and write down some fond memories...This is more like...WTF am I doing?

So very simple, my brain is in a fucked up state: there are/could be various reason for the same:-

1. Had planned a trip this Republic Day weekend, got cancelled...
2. Last 4 days have been agonizing to say the least, Migraine taking a toll on my dark circles, weight, hair, mind, temper etc etc
3. The husband has gone to work letting me know that he would take 1hr to finish his investment work, but you know, when it comes from the 'horses mouth' that it would take 1hr, it generally takes 3hrs. That's def not happy news, I mean I don't want to be there confined at home doing nothing and just relaxing...

I mean I am a hyperactive person and hate to be at home doing the o-so-urban 'Nothing'...Once in a while its okay, not now! I mean for me its plain and simple BOREDOM! I want to go out, explore, visit the unknown places even if its around the city, that's my idea of doing 'nothing'....

So anyway, last night we (husband and I) were discussing that what makes me so hyperactive and never at peace. I mean seriously my mind is ALWAYS at work, weaving some net. I haven't asked it to be so hard at work, bit seems it just doesn't listen to me. With acute migraine and 6 pills down in 4 days, I was 'supposed' to sleep and sleep, roll over after 4-5hrs and again sleep. BUT, I couldnt. While trying hard to sleep and think about nothing, I was continuously thinking. I mean, I really dont know how to 'Not Think'.

Well, I think of almost everything: Office (and no, I am not the CEO of my company), Work, tickets, CSAT, roles, work, how I could work on that work, what could be the next move, I have applied for something, would I get it, if I get it what could I do next, blah blah! I mean I really dont have to think all this much, but.....

I think, of how each day is passing by and I am not traveling. I think of all the places that I could go to, but don't have enough money right now, I think of saving money and if at all I should be saving, I think of the future, which is not very pretty or is it!

I think of how much I am hated in my personal life and how much I hate some people, or wait...Do I even hate them enough... Not that the hatred of all Those people affects me, but the fact that I think about it, def means that it bothers me...somewhere...Then things like, Why me? What Have I done? Why Should I change? Who cares... To Hell With You All....Blah! Blah!

My husband tells me that I should develop one strong hobby...but this is I guess what I have developed....I think over the years, when I used to stay all alone in my room every evening, not knowing what next...This is exactly what I used to do....

So really I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but this is important stuff to me and this is what my brain thinks of..some Futile, some.....I dont even know what...

All I know is that sometimes I want to Unlearn 'Thinking' and learn 'Not Thinking'....At present My Brain is slogging 'At Work'....I need to get out of this!